Personal

I've been home from Laracon AU for a week now, and while there's plenty I could say about the conference, the talks, and the experience of standing on stage, the thing that has stayed with me most is the people.

And perhaps the realisation that I have a bigger circle of wonderful people in my life than I sometimes remember.

Showing up

This year, I got to experience Laracon AU from a few different perspectives, all at the same time.

In the lead up to the conference, I wore my Laracon AU Mentor hat for the second year, helping the speaker group build a connection, community, and evolve their talk abstracts in to realised presentations.

And on the Wednesday morning, helped pack swag bags, assemble signage, and whatever else was needed of me, before supporting the incoming speakers in person with the tech check and getting their bearings backstage.

And my own tech check too… I did need my own presentation deck to be ready, because on Thursday morning it was my turn to speak.

This was the first year where deeper 45-minute talks were included (up from the usual 30 minutes), so had additional time to evolve ideas and present my own talk to a room full of developers – which I did with “High Performance Statamic”.

And while that sounds exciting (and it absolutely was), there's another side to it that isn't quite so glamorous.

The nerves.

The self-doubt.

The inevitable comparison… to other speakers… wondering whether my talk is good enough… whether I have anything worthwhile to share… and whether I really belong up there alongside these incredibly talented people, some of whom I’ve looked up to for years.

This is something I struggle with more than I visibly appear to: my high functioning anxiety has made me a master of masking it.

Even after all the preparation, there's still that little voice questioning whether I should be there.

The moments before going on stage are something of a blur. There's so much anticipation, nervous energy, and probably a healthy amount of overthinking.

But then my intro music kicks in (yeah, we get intro music), and you walk on stage.

And then you’re there. And that feeling is unspeakably incredible.

There's something rewarding about sharing something you've worked hard on, connecting with an audience, and hopefully giving people something interesting, useful and relevant to take away.

I got some laughs… I asked questions of the audience, and got some reactions… so I think it landed well. But that voice of self doubt is always in my head. I’ve since had the chance to watch my talk back (don’t worry, it’ll be released publicly soon), and now out of the moment, feel it worked together nicely – and I do hope at least some of the attendees agree.

I mean, it’s a conference, not every single talk is going to be right up your alley - but that’s what I love about Laracon AU: you’re exposed to so many different topics, ideas, concepts and technologies, and I like to approach each session with an open mind.

Even if the subject doesn’t fit seamlessly in your world, you’ve at least been exposed to something new to consider and explore with curiosity. Sometimes it is just a little nugget of an idea that gets you thinking.

And I find that it's often the talks I least expected to resonate with me, based on their titles, that end up being the most relevant.

And, I even brought a little fitness to the stage too. Well, a stretch anyway. About 15 minutes in to my talk, where the audience had been sitting down for a good hour, they deserved a stretch, right? So sweatbands come on, everyone gets on their feet.

And I had fun… and got a room full of developers having a stretch, so that was… unique.

And once the talk was over, I started to take it all in. The relief, excitement, and opportunity to enjoy the rest of the conference without those pre-talk jitters and nerves inside. I mean, after all, in 2024 with “The Invisible Developer” I spent two whole days watching talks before mine closed out the conference with that inner voice telling me my talk was all wrong… but spoiler alert, it was right, and it landed. Go check it out.

But as much as I loved being on stage, it wasn't the highlight of Laracon AU for me.

The people

I've written before about being seen, and how much it can mean to feel acknowledged, encouraged, or simply noticed by the people around us. Laracon AU reminded me of something closely related.

Community and connection.

So much of our professional and personal lives happens online – especially in the tech world. We see people's updates, interact with their work, exchange messages, and occasionally have conversations that extend beyond a quick comment or reaction.

But there's something very different about being together in person.

A conversation over caffeine or a burger. A familiar face across the room. A hug. A laugh. Actually, lots of hugs. Picking up a conversation with someone you haven't seen in months, or even years, as though barely any time has passed.

These moments matter.

And I think I sometimes forget just how much. To the people who I met, laughed, hugged, chatted with, you probably don’t even realise how much those moments meant (and mean) to me.

I'm not necessarily someone who finds putting myself out there easy. Approaching people is so far outside of my comfort zone, and joining conversations and being available can be incredibly intimidating.

It is ironic that I can stand on a stage and speak to a room full of people, yet still find the idea of walking up to someone to say hi incredibly daunting. That’s an Omnivert, right? Or an Ambivert? Maybe I can be both, depends on the day I guess…

But at least on stage, with my true high functioning people pleasing, I feel absolutely prepared for it.

This year I made a conscious effort to push myself a little further. To be more present and visible, more available, and more approachable… even with my ever-serious face. As I said at the end of my talk, I am really friendly – just incredibly shy, and look perpetually pissed off. But I’m not, it’s just my face.

I got to speak to new people – from Australia, from overseas – and create new and forge existing connections.

I’m glad I made the effort. And of course, that ever-self-critical voice in my head still finds ways I could have done more. But this was still a big step for me.

One of the things Laracon AU reminded me of is that I have some genuinely wonderful people in my life. We might not see each other in person regularly, but the moments that you’re together, brings it all straight back.

I think this is easy to forget when so much of our interaction happens online. Not hearing from someone doesn’t necessarily mean the connection isn’t there – even if that can be our first mental reaction – so these in-person togetherness moments are a nice reminder of that. 

A bigger circle than I think

I can be quite good at getting caught up in my own thoughts. Actually, I excel at that. Side note, not really the proudest badge to wear, Marty. Anyway…

Wondering whether I'm doing enough, whether I'm good enough, whether I'm making meaningful contributions, getting enough done, or whether I really fit into the spaces I find myself in.

Sometimes it's easy to focus on the connections that aren't happening, rather than recognising the ones that already exist.

And I think Laracon AU helped shift that perspective a little. Although I do just need to keep reminding myself of that too.

It reminded me that the strength of a connection isn’t necessarily measured by how often we speak or see each other. Some connections are simply there, quietly existing in the background of our busy lives, until we find ourselves in the same room again.

And suddenly, they are anything but quiet.

It is lovely to reconnect in person and pick up where you left off, but makes me question why we so often wait until the next conference to do it. And that even though online communication is convenient, we sometimes need a reminder to keep the humanity in it too. Myself included.

The last week in Brisbane showed me a stronger and larger circle than I had drawn for myself in my head. And I'd like to keep refining that circle, strengthening the connections that matter, and open to the new ones that naturally find their way into it.

Taking that feeling home

I don't think a few days at a conference can magically erase self-doubt. Heck, I’m in my 40s, this idea of self-doubt is so ingrained it’ll take a while to undo.

I'll probably still compare myself to others. OK, definitely. I'll still get nervous before public speaking. But of course, I’ll do it again.

And I'll still have moments where I question whether I belong, am valued or cared about.

But I came home from Laracon AU feeling more connected to the community than I have in a long time.

It was wonderful to reconnect with familiar faces, strengthen existing friendships, and meet new people. It has reminded me how much I value connection, and how important it is to make time for them, both at conferences and in everyday life.

And before you know it, Laracon AU is over for another year, and there never seems to be enough time to soak up the juju of connection.

So perhaps that’s something I can take away from this experience too. To make a little more effort during those online phases to keep in touch, to reach out, and to keep space for new connections, rather than waiting until we’re all in the same space again.

I’ve come home with a reminder that my circle is bigger than my mind tells me.

And that’s a thought I need to trust, believe and hold on to.